Although those statements are usually given as a way to motivate us, they can end up being really harmful to our psyche and create a mindset and habit to consistently give all we have and more to others or things. The reality is, though, we rarely have 100% energy to give, because we are human and life happens.
But let's think about how this 150% thinking can impact our relationships...
If we go into a relationship, romantic or platonic, and have the mindset that we must give 150% of ourselves and our energy to others, what happens? Well, either you're going to burn yourself out trying to always be full of energy or there for others, that you are going to neglect yourself or you are going to get to a point where you can't give 150% (because it's not realistic) and then beat yourself up for not being "enough".
If we go into a relationship, romantic or platonic, and have the mindset that the other person must give 150% of themselves to us, what's going to happen? You're probably going to consistently feel like you don't matter or aren't important to the other person. There will also probably be feelings of resentment, unhappiness, inadequacy, and confusion.
Hopefully at this point you get the point that this 100-150% mindset isn't realistic and only sets us up for disappointment and failure. Now don't get us wrong, there are some days you will be ON IT. There will be days the other person is clearly giving all they got for you. But this can't and won't last permanently and it's not fair to assume this as the standard of yourself and the other person.
So what is a helpful and productive mindset to have in our relationships?
Well, Brene Brown (we love her), advises that an 80/20 model is the key! Now what does that look like exactly in a relationship, because I'm sure you're seeing that and thinking "okay one person has a lot more than the other..." Understand and hold on for a sec as we explain...
There have been a lot of percentages and statistics come out about how you should be showing up in your relationships; i.e. 100/100, 50/50, etc. But the problem with these models is that it doesn't have room for being human. What we mean by this is that if both partners/people are expected consistently to show up as much as the other, where does there leave room for one to have a rough day or for life events to happen?
The reality is that we don't show up in our best form every day. We might have really hard days that drain us of our energy, which is a NORMAL part of the process. Now imagine in the 100/100 or 50/50 models, that one person has an awesome day: wakes up refreshed, productive at work, has some extra time for social or self care activities, and is overall feeling great. Now imagine that the other person is feeling low: didn't sleep well the night before, things didn't seem to go right that day, people draining them of energy, and is overall ready for the day to be over and go to bed. Big difference between the two right? Realistically is it possible for both to show up with the same amount of energy? The answer is no.
In Brene's relationship, she talked about a great tactic that her and her husband utilize daily to communicate their energy reserves for each other. On The Tim Ferriss Show, the shared that they "quantify where we are, so if Steve comes home and is like I've got 20 (in terms of energy, patience and kindness levels), I'll pull the 80" or another example if Brene comes home after a long day of looking after her sick mother and says "I've got 10" (10 percent energy, kindness, and patience) and her husband responds "I got the 90". This is a great communication strategy to practice being a team with your partner and effectively communicating your feelings/thoughts transparently. But, it's not realistic to assume that if one partner has a low percentage of energy, that the other will be able to take the other percentage to equal up to 100%.
So what happens if both partners check-in and reveal they are at 20% each?
Well, first thing is remember that your partner is not expected to always be able to pick up the slack, because they have their own life events and experiences that drain their energy and resources.
Next, this is the time to sit down with your partner and come up with a plan for kindness towards each other, knowing that you both are running on fumes. This might include ordering food in so no one has to cook, cancelling social plans and staying in, hiring a housekeeper to help with household things, going to bed early, etc.
The biggest point is that you remember you are a team and working together and not against each other. Some days you will have more energy, some days you will have low energy, but all days should include an honest and respectful communication with your partner about it.
Lastly, we leave you with this powerful reminder of giving yourself compassion and kindness in regards to your energy levels. You won't always have 100%, but all you have is 20% and you give that 20%, then you've given 100% or what you could at this time. Remember that next time the urge to be critical to yourself comes up.
Resource:
The Tim Ferriss Show: Striving vs. Self-Acceptance, Removing Trauma Armor, and More - Brene Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show
- https://podcastnotes.org/tim-ferris-show/brene-brown-tim-ferriss-self-acceptance-trauma/
Interested in other When Life Feels Messy content?
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