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July 2023: Making Conflict Work in Your Relationships


        Ever heard the saying that people in “good” relationships NEVER fight or argue? It seems like we have been taught this ridiculousness that arguing or conflict in relationships is the #1 red flag and we need to avoid them at all costs. Fortunately, this is not the reality of real, genuine relationships because disagreements and misunderstandings do arise even within good-intentioned partners. In fact, conflict can serve as a meaningful opportunity to develop and strengthen the bond in relationships. 

Often these moments can be fueled by anxious, avoidvant, or disorganized attachment styles. A great way to begin to get ahead of conflict in relationships is to research and learn about what your individual attachment style is and how that relates to your partner’s attachment style. Typically, anxious-attached partners are attracted to avoidant-attached partners. However, it's super important to know that attachment styles are not set in stone! They are amendable and can evolve over time to reflect traits of secure attachment. When it comes to conflict, securely attached people engage in the active role of problem-solver with kindness, care, clear communication, and genuine concern for the wellbeing of their partner and their relationship. 

So what are those securely-attached behaviors and how do we lean into those? Below we have outlined the ‘Five Secure Principles for Working Things Out’ that is detailed in the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, et al.  Let’s dive into these five, easy-to-apply principles that help in resolving conflict and deepening the bond within your relationship. 



FIVE SECURE PRINCIPLES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT:


  1. Show basic concern for the person’s wellbeing. 

    • The other person’s wellbeing is just as important as your own

    • Take one for the team(AKA the relationship)

    • OUR happiness is actually dependent on our partner’s happiness, and vice versa

    • Back and forth, synchronicity that the other person is attuned to their needs

    • Hugely rewarding

  2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand

    • Don’t make personal accusations or criticisms

    • Responding to partner’s fear and addressing them quickly and effectively

  3. Reframe from generalizing the conflict

    • Find a path of less resistance

    • Don't let the conflict spill into other areas or get out of control

    • Avoid making disparaging comments or hurtful generalizations about each other

    • Keep the argument to the things at hand, and don’t blow things out of proportion

  4. Be willing to engage

    • Don’t “dig in your heels”

    • Stay and deal with the issue

  5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs

    • Actively expressing your emotional needs

    • If it becomes more difficult to regulate your own emotions, advocate for taking a break in the conversation and setting a plan in place to intentionally come back to the conflict at hand


As you process these, also take some time to reflect on your own relationships. Where might there be some gaps? Where might some work be helpful to improve the relationship? Do you notice that you do most of these, but your partner doesn't?

We hope this sparks continuous interest and wanting to learn about your own attachment styles, how you show up in relationships, the dynamic playing out in your current romantic relationship, and a desire to strive towards a more secure base.

Reminder, this is not something that changes overnight, so give yourself and your partner some grace along this process!



*Keynotes*

  • These principles not only apply to romantic relationships, but also all intimate and close relationships. 

  • If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, please check out our WLFM podcast on Attachment Styles with Heidi Ellis here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/kNuQ9xrjQAb



Interested in other When Life Feels Messy content? 
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