October 2022: Healthy Vs. Unhealthy/Toxic Relationships

 

Hello fellow Pioneers and thank you for checking out the third blog post of When Life Feels Messy... (WLFM)

I think we can all agree that a part of being human is the inherent desire to build relationships with others and have closeness. 

Sometimes we have a natural ability to create healthy relationships but other times, due to multiple factors, such as role models, environmental factors, etc., we find ourselves in unhealthy and toxic relationships. Sometimes a relationship starts to turn sour and both partner's catch it in time to make amends. Sometimes, it is caught too late and the best thing to do is walk away. But sometimes, we might realize the relationship is toxic and not know how to get out of it. 

As October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we wanted to devote this blog to discussing the differences between a healthy relationship and one that is toxic. Our monthly podcast episode also features a special guest who has a lot of therapeutic experience in working with victims and perpetrators of Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence, so we hope that you check out the links below to listen to that episode and watch a video on the Power and Control and Equality wheels. 

But for this blog, let's talk about differences between healthy and toxic. You might be saying "okay, this is common sense and easy to spot toxic traits in a relationship" but we invite you to truly reflect on the upcoming information and your own relationships and see where there might be some yellow and red flags present. Sometimes, it's not as easy spot as you might be thinking. 

Signs of a healthy relationship are going to include the following:

• Equality:
• you and your partner, family, or friends should view each other as equals
• Respect:
• this includes respecting human beings as unique individuals and seeing value in each other
• Communication:
• there should be comfortability around expressing your thoughts, ideas, and feelings; this includes being able to disagree in a constructive way
• Trust:
• this is key to any healthy relationship and is shown consistently through words and actions
• Responsibility and Accountability:
• this includes being responsible and accountable to others, not placing blame on others and owning up to your mistakes, and doesn't mean having to constantly check in or report to another person
• Support:
• encouraging others to grow separately and together, having enthusiasm for your dreams and goals and for those in your circle, and being supportive in good and difficult times
• Honesty:
• there must be honesty present because you can't build a relationship on lies 
• Boundaries:
• these are to be respected at all time and includes establishing what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with, personal/physical boundaries and being able to say "no", and giving consent 
• Non-threatening behavior:
• you should ALWAYS feel safe in your relationship and not have to worry if your partner is going to harm you; neither partner should try to maintain power and control over the other (this includes family and friends)
• Affection and Silliness:
• physical intimacy and affection and playfulness facilitate connection and its presence in your relationship signifies a strong bond 

Now let's look at aspects of an unhealthy/toxic relationship:

• Lack of Communication:
• without communication there is not foundation to build a healthy relationship and leads to the inability to talk about difficult topics, lots of misunderstandings that never get worked out, and engaging in arguments rather than discussions 
• Dishonesty:
• we mentioned earlier that you can't build a relationship on lies, so if continual and repeated dishonesty is present, there can not be a foundation for a healthy relationship that will grow
• Disrespect: 
• this includes name calling, breaking boundaries, and constantly questioning and criticizing the other person's choices and decisions
• Dependence:
• every person deserves a certain level of independence, so being solely dependent on someone financially, emotionally, or psychologically could indicate unhealthy relationship
• Jealousy:
• constant or excessive and becomes about one partner possessing the other
• Manipulation:
• this can include mind games, convincing a partner to ignore their wants/desires/needs, and using guilt to manipulate others
• Criticism:
• tearing the other down could be a form of emotional abuse; your partner should be rooting for you, so if you feel like they belittle, demean, or devalue you, this is a surefire sign of an unhealthy relationship 
• Isolation:
• common tactic used by abusers to make the victims/survivors completely dependent on them by cutting off their ties to support networks and increasing their power and control in the relationship
• Constant fighting:
• all relationships have conflict, but if you are constantly fighting this could be a bad sign; you should never have to feel combative when you're with your partner, family, or friends
• Controlling behavior:
• controlling where others go, see, and do is a common thing in domestic violence situations; this can include, demanding social media passwords, checking text messages and calls, or using intimidation or coercion to get their way
• Feeling guilty:
• feeling like it's always you taking the blame and your partner never assumes responsibility when things go wrong
• You've "lost yourself":
• if you're feeling less and less like yourself, that's a sign that the relationship is draining your energy 
• Not there for you:
• if you feel like you're always there for your partner but they don't - or can't - return the same level of care back that's a clear sign the balance is off
• Gaslighting:
• when one person's goal is to make the other feel like they are going crazy in order to gain/maintain control and cover up their own wrongdoings
• Physical and/or Emotional Abuse:
• abuse of any kind has no place in a relationship and it's presence signifies unhealthy and potentially dangerous things to come

Important Note: Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. Don't ever think that just because your partner doesn't physically harm you, that the relationship is not unhealthy and toxic. 

A healthy relationship might experience some hiccups along the way and it's important to know that some unhealthy elements might be present that can be worked on and restored to a healthy relationship again. Generally, though, these hiccups are not the most severe and they don't happen all the time. When it's a toxic relationship, your partner might not acknowledge the part they are playing to make the relationship unhealthy and difficult. It's also possible that neither of you are willing to change. 

But if you are reading this and red flags and sirens are going off in your head about your own relationship, we want you to know that you're not alone and you have support, even if it doesn't feel like it or it's been seemingly stripped away by your partner. The first step is acknowledging that you're in  toxic and unsafe relationship and that something needs to change and here are a few things you can do if you're starting to see that you need to get out of the relationship:

• Contact your TWU CAPS team at 940-898-3801 to start working with a therapist and be validated in your experience 
• If you are in a crisis, please use any of these resources:
• TWU CAPS Crisis Line (24/7) - 940-898-4357
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
• Denton County Crisis Line: 800-762-0157
• Dallas Suicide and Crisis Center: 214-828-1000
• Houston/Harris County Crisis Line: 713-970-7000
• The Trevor Project: Crisis and Suicide Prevention Helpline for LGBTQ Youth: 866-488-7386
• Veteran’s Crisis Line: 800-273-8255
• Check out resources in your area: 
• There are many local and national services where you can turn to if you're in a toxic relationship and you aren't sure what to do
• CAPS has multiple resources that can be shared with you at any point
• Gather support:
• whether that's from friends and family, a support group, or a counselor, it's very important to to have this when comin g back from a relationship that was toxic

We hope that this blog was informative and spurned some reflections on the current relationships you have in your life. Healthy relationships aren't always happy but there are key things that distinguish them from unhealthy/toxic ones, especially if emotional abuse, physical abuse, lying and cheating, gaslighting, and distrust are present. 

If you see these things you relationship, they should raise some red flags and prompt you to ask yourself, "Is this the right person for me?"

Take Care, Pioneers!

More Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence Content:

Podcast - https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/daD2T5Mrstb

YouTube - https://youtu.be/U_9e0rUeUdw

References:

https://www.glamour.com/story/7-differences-between-a-health#:~:text=Whether%20you're%20both%20truly,all%20about%20feeling%20emotionally%20safe.

https://www.self.com/story/7-differences-between-a-healthy-relationship-and-a-toxic-one

https://counseling.sa.ua.edu/resources/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/5-ways-to-distinguish-toxic-relationships-from-healthy-ones/

https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/sex-relationships/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationship/